Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
