Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
