It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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