My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
