Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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