Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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