"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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