You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
