and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
