Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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