So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
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I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
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I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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