I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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