Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
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i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
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I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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