I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
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I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize