You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If its not for food we ain't going out.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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