My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.