xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday