Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I got copblocked.
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.