i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
