my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
