You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize