My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
