I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
