I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
