I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
