and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I want to be your penis for a week.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
