Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You have to summon your inner elephant
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
