my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes