Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
