is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
