I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal