My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
being pregnant is like rehab
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows