I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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