I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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