Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
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You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
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I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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