Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
