My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
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I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
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She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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