I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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