dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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