Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
