My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
