I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
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We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
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I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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