I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We have started to decorate penises.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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