I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
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Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
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Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already