I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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