Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck