Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
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Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
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There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?