I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
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MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
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You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.