I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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