I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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