I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
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