I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
