he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
